A quick return
It has been a while since I've written here. In opening up this page, I wondered whether I have changed at all in the past few years, ones that I added up with my fingers upon seeing the age of 'seventeen' written in my bio. Last night before getting into bed, the thought crossed my mind that I spend amples of time analysing complex situations, with nobody else to know nor be invited into these inner processes of mine. And I thought, why? Why do I do this? Bother with such thoughts when they're completely unheard by others. Yet, so real and relevant in my mind. I think it's because it means something to me. I've always been a bit of a lone creature, which used to tear me up in the past in experiencing its depths and untouched corners, but I've learned to adapt to it, to embrace the loneliness, and give myself constructive tasks instead of loathing in sadness.
I've noticed in myself that I can't keep these states affluent for long- I quickly overcome my emotions these days which sometimes leaves me feeling bitter, that not even the bad ones can stick around for a while. Like I have gotten to understand this concept so well of 'things passing', that I use it to my advantage, in going through whatever peculiar emotional ride is awaiting me.
I like to think that I have used these capacities for things that deem important. Having said that, I am still unsure of where I am heading and what constitutes the 'hana' that I think I am. I long for a love that I think I could find but hesitate to. I wonder how to balance early adult years with the yearning for fun and adventure. I'm realising in this odd year that has been 2020 that everything I thought comes fast actually takes quadruple times longer to happen. And that I've taken too long to increase my grasp on languages.
I wish this piece was better and that I could come up with something smarter to say after all these years. I've written this as something personal whereas there was really no need, like I've mistaken this website for my diary. The beginning has always been nigh.
I've noticed in myself that I can't keep these states affluent for long- I quickly overcome my emotions these days which sometimes leaves me feeling bitter, that not even the bad ones can stick around for a while. Like I have gotten to understand this concept so well of 'things passing', that I use it to my advantage, in going through whatever peculiar emotional ride is awaiting me.
I like to think that I have used these capacities for things that deem important. Having said that, I am still unsure of where I am heading and what constitutes the 'hana' that I think I am. I long for a love that I think I could find but hesitate to. I wonder how to balance early adult years with the yearning for fun and adventure. I'm realising in this odd year that has been 2020 that everything I thought comes fast actually takes quadruple times longer to happen. And that I've taken too long to increase my grasp on languages.
I wish this piece was better and that I could come up with something smarter to say after all these years. I've written this as something personal whereas there was really no need, like I've mistaken this website for my diary. The beginning has always been nigh.
Live happily
I think that the most popular goal in life for people throughout any age group is to be happy and of course, everybody understands this feeling differently. There are seven billion definitions of a word that is thrown around and used for the biggest and tiniest things in life but to me, happiness is only one craving that I have.
The word 'happiness' itself doesn't even capture all of it. I have experienced emotions that one cannot even identify and feelings that I hope do not take over again. And alongside that, I have sometimes had the urge to shout through a window how incredibly satisfied I was and hug every single person on the street because of how fiery and lovable I felt. But living happily in a world like this... with anguished tears, heartbreaks and deaths, is absolutely a place that my seventeen year old head can barely understand.
I wish that in this journey that we have, the words 'live happily' weren't thrown around so much because 'live with change' or don't endure a life that someone else has planned for you is so much better.
But all the same, it's difficult, breaking systems and trying to change the ways of an entire planet. But maybe that's what living happily means to me, maybe that's where I'll reach my nirvana, by never losing the thought and dream of making things better.
The word 'happiness' itself doesn't even capture all of it. I have experienced emotions that one cannot even identify and feelings that I hope do not take over again. And alongside that, I have sometimes had the urge to shout through a window how incredibly satisfied I was and hug every single person on the street because of how fiery and lovable I felt. But living happily in a world like this... with anguished tears, heartbreaks and deaths, is absolutely a place that my seventeen year old head can barely understand.
I wish that in this journey that we have, the words 'live happily' weren't thrown around so much because 'live with change' or don't endure a life that someone else has planned for you is so much better.
But all the same, it's difficult, breaking systems and trying to change the ways of an entire planet. But maybe that's what living happily means to me, maybe that's where I'll reach my nirvana, by never losing the thought and dream of making things better.
Working
Working, having a job or being employed: these are all the same things but happen to be the biggest contradiction to me, personally in my own life. I have been looking for a job recently because college is starting soon and many expenses will come and have already come because of it. And there are other reasons why I would want a job; for the social side of it and also to have something to put on my C.V. for the future otherwise I will never get a job when I graduate. I also have a desire to get one so I can buy more books, do a language course in Arabic and some night courses too but when will I have to time to attend these and gain further knowledge if my evenings and weekends are scheduled at a workplace somewhere? And that is in fact, where the contradiction comes in because I have two wishes but they both cannot be filled.
With the experience I have, I am not really in a position to choose a job that I would enjoy or rejoice over. I have to pick something that employers think I have the capacity for (even though I've been applying for vacancies that require a minimum two years experience in some fields- but I think I have a chance because everyone can be trained for any job I think). Which all in all means that I'll more than likely have to work every evening and have no opportunity to change it. Unfortunately for me and for you, this world and country is driven on money. This whole life and planet we know is a money game essentially and to have no money, means that you have lost big time. We cannot live without a piece of paper that fluctuates in value every day. And one day we probably won't be able to breathe without it. I have plans that I intent on executing in approximately five years time but they will be halted if I have minus figures in my bank account. So again, this leaves me in a paradoxical situation that I cannot escape. Most of our parents who are middle aged ( if you're the same age as me) have been working for years in monotonous careers and when they have a day off, can only find time for you and for the state of the house. They probably haven't read a new book in a while or had the time to think about something abstractedly. Which in thought kills me because even though they definitely have their own creative flare and a mind full of thoughts, they're stuck like in glue on the same day and the same job. Those 1 am opinionsWhy does the world have to be like this? Exactly this? The overwhelming injustice, the suffering, the deaths, the evil corps. We have accepted things blindly and we stay, together in silence while in one country women can't vote and in another, people are dying from hunger. There is so much bad out there that can consume someone in thoughts alone. I am sick of the cruelty, I am sick of a life that someone has planned for me. I am sick of this quietness.
How to let go...It is currently 12;23 am and thoughts seem to be flying through my mind from every direction. I'm trying to calm myself, remain content and solve this dilemma that has been presented by my conscious over and over again like a song that is paused for a while and then played again. My mind has been under construction since I got my Leaving Cert. results. You see, I care a lot about these things, grades in fact and I feel defined by them. I feel like they convey all my knowledge, my intelligence but they do not. School manipulates you into thinking like this because the people in it just want you to care but I on the other hand, have taken all this way too seriously.
Exam markers are the most opinionated people. They're biased, make mistakes and misjudge like every other single person on this planet so why should I accept a grade that one of them gives me? It's never set in stone. It's never a final figure. It's just an estimate based on one performance alone. And this is what I'm trying to reassure myself. That I am better than all of that and that I don't need it. Today I viewed my exams and today I realised that I don't care about them anymore. I did them over two months ago and since then, I have learned new things, my English has improved, I have written a lot of new pieces so that exam that I did does not matter. None of that stuff on 'Juno' really matters or T.S. Eliot. It's all old news. It has passed so why do I still dwell on it so much? I guess because it's all to do with letting go. My mind just loves these opportunities to bombard me with thoughts. Things are done. It's over now so why can't I let go. 'Let go. Let go. Let go.' Fate and faith has pulled me in the one direction so I just have to accept it now..... and block out the thoughts too. Human RobotsIt has been nearly a week since I watched a video on YouTube starring a human robot who has recently been made by engineers and fellow designers. In this video, I met something which could possibly be a future harm to the world and destroyer of an equal society which I dream of having. I cannot call this thing a person or refer to it as a living thing because realistically it isn't and realistically it's solely a couple of wires and programmes that have been connected covered by a face resembling the ones we see everyday on the streets.
It said that they want to go to school, educate themselves and then find jobs as teachers, advisers, customer care representatives etc. which all sadden me because it isn't necessary for them to have these positions or is it fair. As you should know already, there are over seven billion people in the world and in my opinion, enough to be employed in these various sectors. And what touches me the most is the fact that these engineers and rich, powerful people are creating these robots without asking anyone, without caring what the public thinks or wants. They're bringing them into this world selfishly because they can use them to make profits and employ them for free in large companies so they don't have to pay wages and salaries to actual humans! As I said, there are enough people out there to be teachers, to fill up the important roles that I listed above without needing any other form of intelligence taking over them. It annoys me that these robots could potentially take most of our jobs away because they aren't us, have the capacity to work without stopping and do not have actual emotions to care about things that could affect people in the workplace or outside it. These positions could be filled with many humans already and humans that are hardworking, creative and willing to work. Sadly, there are people out there who could have these jobs but cannot because they're poor, have no opportunities to be educated or are living in places with ongoing wars. All these things are totally unfair but of course, no one is trying to address this, The easier option is to just make robots so the less fortunate can be forgotten about. But it isn't all just about the jobs. I simply do not want to share my life with a robot because they aren't real humans and never will be. I want to share my feelings with people who can actually understand them and be real to me. Lets embrace all kinds of people first from different countries and traditions before we embrace robots. Lets accept every form of living thing and appreciate plants and animals before we try accept robots. Lets be civil and live in a world where innocent people don't have to suffer continuously. Lets be real. by h.e. skies Leaving Cert. ResultsIf you have just finished sixth year and live in Ireland, you're in the same boat as me. On Wednesday (the 17th) we're getting our results and I honestly do not know how to feel about that. There are two reasons for this view: 1. It can be the best day ever
2. It can be the worst day ever There are many people around us who will tell us or have told us that all will be okay. But how are we supposed to listen to them? They aren't us. Nor will they, ever be but maybe they were in our shoes before. Maybe we should listen to their advice and maybe that will be the best thing we do. Because everything will be okay. Everything will be the way it always was. You will still be you after them, you will still have all your friends, you will bear your dreams. If you're scared, just remember that I'm scared too. Even the people that studied every day are scared ( including me, ha!) If you really want something, you will find a way to it no matter what grades are enlisted in that brown envelope or how many points you get. No one can stop you from doing what you love the most in the world. I believe that every goal can be reached as long as there is effort involved and a willing to do so. Regardless, I understand that the next few days will be tough for people. I know that there will be tears, hour long conversations and prickly throats. I know there is a possibility that I might hide in my room for a week if things go bad. But like every other thing in life, we will get through it. And then we will get back up again and continue with what we have made, or what we have going on now. So know that I am here for you. I know what you're feeling. And I hope, beyond belief that you, and I and everyone I know isn't disappointed. All the best, Hana x |